


One Reason

by NotThatIWillEverWriteIt



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alpha!Iwaizumi, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe, Drama, Fertility Issues, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Marriage, Mpreg, Omega Verse, Omega!Oikawa, fertility treatments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 12:35:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15096857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotThatIWillEverWriteIt/pseuds/NotThatIWillEverWriteIt
Summary: Forget all the reasons why it won’t work and believe in the one reason why it will.Hajime and Tooru are one of those couples that everyone knew would get married, start a family, and grow old together. They love each other but is their love strong enough when one of their dreams proves difficult to make come true.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first multi-chapter fic that I actually finished, and boy, it really put all my writing skills to a test. I’m used to writing those short “time pocket” fics of 500-800 words which are relatively easy to manage, and I can make it up as I go. This time I actually had to plan the whole thing beforehand and break it apart chapter by chapter. 
> 
> This is also my very first ABO dynamics fic. I’ve never been that interested in omegaverse or mpreg, but Iwaoi and domestic family fluff just go so well together I decided to give it a shot. I’m a bit worried about Oikawa and Iwaizumi being too OOC, but I’ll let you be the judge of that. 
> 
> Read and review <(_ _)>

High school sweethearts, that is what people had called them. High school sweethearts. Most likely to get married, most likely to have kids. Most likely to grow old and grey together. 

Hajime doubted if those kinds of fairytale couples even existed. 

The conductor blew his whistle, and Hajime watched from the cold hard bench as people packed themselves in the last train of the night. The officers walked up and down the podium and tried to squeeze the last passengers in. A woman had had the hem of her skirt stuck between the doors, and Hajime saw her desperately trying to tug herself free. A young man next to her offered to help, and the woman bowed her thank yous over and over. Hajime wondered if this will become the story of how they met they will tell their future children. 

One of the officers glanced at Hajime curiously, but he just shook his head at him and dug out his phone from the suitcase. 

_00:45 Just missed the last train. I’ll stay at the office tonight_

The reply was almost immediate.

_00:45 Again?  
00:45 Meeting went late. Boss wanted to go over some papers. Sorry_

The hum of the electric intensified and the train slowly crept forward. 

_00:46 Can’t you take a taxi home?  
00:46 I have to get up early tomorrow so I might as well stay here_

Fairytale couple. Everything should be like in a dream. So, why did he have this sinking feeling like he was captured in one of those bad dreams that repeat themselves in a never-ending loop? 

_00:51 I think we should talk. Please come home_

Deep in thought, he stared at the message display and fiddled with the wedding ring with his thumb. Its perfect smooth roundness felt satisfying. He still remembered the sorry excuse of an engagement ring he had first bought for Tooru about a month after they had entered university. A crude band of the cheapest metal the shop could have offered, and yet it still had cost all the savings he had managed to put aside from his part-time job. But it had packed all his feelings in the world.


	2. Chapter 2

Hajime checked his clock for the umpteenth time and cursed himself and his stupid ideas. Of course, Tooru wouldn’t be home at this time of a Friday night. What had he been expecting? That he would seal himself behind closed doors and spend his free nights knitting and missing Hajime?

Actually, the needy and clingy part of him had kind of thought like that.

In the train, he had played the scene of their surprise reunion in his head and savored what a good boyfriend he was, selflessly sacrificing one of his few sparse weekends to travel halfway across the country to spend time with his appreciative boyfriend.

So far, he had spent almost two hours with his luggage in front of Tooru’s front door, and the romance had given away to trying to keep himself warm in the crisp autumn evening and feeling like an idiot.

A shiver ran through him, and he buried his hands deeper into the pockets where his fingers wrapped around a small satin box. Regardless of everything, he was still happy he had come. He was on a mission, and this was just a measly obstacle to test his spirit and commitment. Although, the longer he waited, the thinner the time stretched his confidence.

What if he says no? What if this is too soon? What if he takes one look at it and laughs at my face? What if I’m the only one who has been thinking this is the direction of our relationship? What if he’s been just waiting for the right moment to break up with me? I mean, he must have met a ton of new people here, so I’m sure…What if he…What if…

No. Come on, self. Hajime straightened his defeated slouch and took a deep, thought-cleansing breath as if to bodily break the discouraging mindset. You must not waver. It will be fine. Hopefully.

His silent pep-talk was interrupted by voices of an enthusiastic conversation from the bottom of the stairs. Hajime perked up to appear less suspicious because one of Tooru’s neighbors had walked past him twice already and he didn’t want anyone to call the police on him. But he sighed in relief when he caught Tooru’s scent. A whiff of what he imagined a meadow full of wildflowers must smell like. Heavy, overwhelming, and intoxicating. The voices got closer, and soon two tops of heads appeared popping up and down behind the ridge of the top stair. A sudden realization of oh-god-this-was-a-stupid-idea dipped the bottom of his stomach when he got up to his stiff feet.

For the past two hours or so, he had thought the waiting was the worst part, but this was way worse.

“Hajime?” Tooru had stopped abruptly mid-step, and his companion – a short, tanned boy with a buzzcut – had ceased his flood of speaking, too. “What are you doing here?”

“H-hi,” Hajime said but had to clear his throat for being quiet for so long. “There was a mix-up at work and I got the Friday off, so I thought I’d come to see you.”

“Wha – you should’ve called! How long have you been waiting here?!” Tooru strode over to Hajime and caught him in a tight embrace all the while scolding him. “Stupid, you must be freezing.”

“Nah, I didn’t wanna spoil the surprise.” Hajime glanced at the other boy standing a few feet away from them openly staring and patted Tooru’s back awkwardly before untangling himself. Public displays of affection always made him a bit uncomfortable.

The buzzcut boy shuffled his feet, and the shoes scraped against the concrete floor.

“Oh yes, sorry!” Tooru turned to sign at his direction. “Hajime, this is Watachi, we go to the same anatomy class. Watachi, this is Hajime, my boyfriend.”

They exchanged polite bows, and the boy – Watachi, was it? – smiled at him a little. Hajime noticed he had the same kind of big, oval eyes as Tooru.

“I promised to lend him my notes from yesterday, it’ll only take a minute.” Tooru unlocked the door to his apartment and nodded them to follow him. Watachi held to door for Hajime to carry his suitcase inside. He wondered what he had been so animatedly talking about with Tooru a minute ago because now he barely said two words.

While Tooru was sorting through the notes at the door, Hajime took a closer look at the apartment. This was his first time at Tooru’s new place. It was the typical small and standard cheap room the university rented for the students. A shared bedroom and living room area, and a small kitchenette in one corner. It was uncharacteristically untidy: there were clothes and books and all kinds of stuff littered around the room. And it seemed he hadn’t emptied all the boxes yet either.

Tooru’s mother would have a fit if saw this mess, Hajime thought to himself satisfied.

The front door clanked shut, and in the next moment, Hajime had an armful of Tooru almost knocking him down when he leaped to hug Hajime. Hajime returned the embrace just as fiercely, pressed Tooru as close as possible and immersed himself in the familiar scents and feelings now that they were alone.

“God, I missed you,” Tooru mumbled against the hollow of his neck and rubbed his face there. “Missed you so much.”

There was a sudden tightness around Hajime’s throat, so he didn’t dare to speak.

After giving him one last squeeze, Tooru finally pulled back and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his hoody. Hajime locked his fingers behind Tooru’s back, so he couldn’t retreat too far.

“Sorry,” Tooru said with a little sniff and a smile.

“You okay?” Hajime rubbed the small of his back gently with his joint hands.

“Yeah, it’s just…I’ve been having a bit of a hard time getting used to all this. Not seeing you. Facetime and Skype just aren’t the same. That’s why Watachi was here, I invited him over so I wouldn’t have to sit through another night by myself because I thought you’d be working.”

Oh. Hajime wished he was a bigger man, but he couldn’t help the sting of jealousy in his chest.

“He seems like a nice guy.”

“Oh, don’t give me that look.” Tooru rolled his eyes. “He’s just a friend, and he has a girlfriend. He’s also sick of listening to me going on and on about you.”

So, it seemed he had spent all his nights at home knitting and missing him. Hajime leaned in for a kiss which Tooru returned eagerly. For a while they stayed like that; locked as close to each other as possible.

When their lips began to tingle and tire, Tooru pulled back and started to pick up clothes and books off the small couch so Hajime could take a seat. After sitting through the long train ride and in the cold night after that, the soft cushion felt heavenly under his battered behind, and almost immediately Hajime’s eyelids started to grow heavy.

“Sorry, it’s so messy. With all the orientation I haven’t had time even to unpack. You must be pretty ragged after the train ride. Wanna take a bath? Have you eaten anything?” Tooru hollered over the rattle of dishes. He had moved on to the kitchen area to clear away the dirty plates and cups. “I have some leftover takeout from last night, but I don’t think it’s gonna be eno – “ He turned to glance at Hajime over his shoulder and found him nodding off. “How about I just whip something up real quick, and we call it a day?”

That night they both slept better than they had for a long time.

**~~oOo~~**

They slept in the next morning and spent the whole Saturday having sex. First, hurriedly before even getting up to brush their teeth, and both of them came in a record time after just a couple minutes. After that, they had squeezed themselves in the tiny bathtub and scrubbed each other clean and fresh. In the steam-filled bathroom, they had stroked and sucked each other for an encore before Hajime had spun Tooru around and fucked him against the cold tiles. Between rounds, they lazed around in bed and talked about their new schools and what classes they had been taking so far and what their classmates were like. Around noon Tooru had made a quick run to the close store for some snacks and dinner supplies.

It had been one of the best days of Hajime’s life, despite the occasional nagging feeling somewhere in the back of his head that soon they would have to say goodbye again.

Surprisingly he had managed to keep his mind off the other thing. The satin thing. Or more like the round thing inside it that was now burning through his pants pocket when they were standing side by side doing the dishes after dinner. He hadn’t been thinking about it the whole day, but it seemed the moment of truth might be at hand. It had to be tonight because his train left early tomorrow, and he didn’t know how soon they’d see each other again.

Or he could just cancel the whole thing. Abort the mission. Tooru would be none the wiser, and Hajime would perhaps avoid shattering the perfect weekend they had had. Quietly backing off sounded almost too tempting.

“…and Watachi told me some guys had drunk too much and been real jerks to the staff and the senpais had to carry their asses home. The next morning half the class was absent, and the professor…”

Hajime was washing up the cups and plates and handing them over to Tooru on autopilot. He accompanied the ramblings with absentminded hhms and ahas whenever there was a lull in the conversation.

“…many seem to think that class is a waste of time but I don’t know. The teacher seems to really know her stuff and – “

“Let’s get married.”

What?

“What?” Tooru froze in the middle of drying a rice bowl and looked at Hajime. “What did you say?”

So much for canceling.

“Will you marry me?”

Tooru fell silent and just kept staring at Hajime. Hands dripping with the foamy washing water he dug the ring out of his pocket and left dark wet stains on his grey sweatpants. Tooru’s eyes nailed to the ring, and his lips pursed. Never before had silence between them felt this crushing, and Hajime hurried to fill the void.

“I know it’s not much. Actually, it’s the cheapest ring they had, but it was the only one I could afford. Even though I’ve been saving for…But once I get a fulltime job I’ll buy a real ring, a better one. Or if you want we can go look for another one right away. I might be able to loan some money…I guess I shouldn’t have done this before I could…I kinda wanted to wait but then I thought…”

“Why are you doing this?” Tooru asked from the ring.

“Huh?”

“Why do you want to get married?”

The longer Hajime clutched the ring in his fingers awkwardly, the stupider he felt.

“Are you saying you don’t want to?” The hurt of rejection bumped out of his heart and rushed through his shoulders spreading the ache all the way to his fingertips. 

“No, I’m asking you why.” Tooru glared at the ring one last time before going back to staring at Hajime. “Why would you want to marry me? You know I can’t have kids, and getting married won’t magically change that. And you’ve always wanted kids, you said so yourself, so I really don’t see the point – “

“Then why have you stayed together with me all this time? Huh?” The hurt quickly soured into anger. Tooru flinched at his more aggressive tone, and somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew how badly this was going wrong. “If you never wanted to make us official, but still knew I did, why did you never say anything? You just kept leading me on, even though you never wanted to – “

“I do want to, I do!” Tooru raised his voice as well. “But I can’t give you what you want after that ring.”

“Do you really think that’s the only reason why I’m with you? Yes, I want to have kids one day, but that’s not why I wanna marry you! I know your mother has spewed your head full of her hateful shit about omegas, but you can’t honestly think – ”

“Don’t always bring her into things! She’s got nothing to do with this.”

“Oh, please, she has everything to do with this, and _then some_! Well, good for her,” Hajime spread his arms and let them come down with a thud against his thigs, “she finally got what she wanted, and apparently you, too.”

The silence resumed, and they sized each other up. His body tense with hurt and disappointment Hajime shoved the ring back in his pocket to get it out of sight and put an end to his humiliation. The sinking realization that this might be the end of them strained his self-control. To hide that the emotions were getting the better of him he turned his back to Tooru and busied himself pointlessly with folding his laundry off the clothes horse. 

“I never said I didn’t want to,” Tooru said quietly behind him. 

“Let’s just forget it, okay.”

“I never said anything because…even though I knew…I was too scared to think about the future because what choices did I have? I didn’t want to break up but I knew you’d have to settle with me and – I was…stuck.”

“You could’ve trusted me. Do you really have that little faith in my feelings for you? That I’d – ” Hajime combed through his hair and took a deep steadying breath. He turned to face Tooru again and noticed he was on the brink of crying. His eyes were red and pooled with unshed tears, and he was worrying his bottom lip. “I don’t care if you can’t have kids. So, what? There are other ways. I should know. But I guess, we never really talked about it, the future. I just assumed you knew somehow…For that I’m sorry.”

Tooru wiped off a couple murky tears that had rolled down his cheek. A need to comfort and protect came over Hajime and he wanted to take him in his arms, but it felt too soon to touch yet. Instead, he took out the ring again and got down on his knee. Tooru’s eyes widened.

“So, let me make this clear once and for all. I’mma make it proper this time.”

“Come on, get up, you don’t have to – “ 

“You wanted to know why, so I’ll tell you why. We’re gonna be apart for the next couple of years. After this weekend I don’t know when we’ll see each other again. But, as far as I’m concerned, this is just one phase. Something that we just gotta get through. It’s not going to be the end, because this ring,” Hajime raised his hand for emphasis, “is going to be my promise to you that we have a lot to live through together after this part. You know why?”

Tooru shook his head.

“Because you’re it for me. It has always been you, and it will always have to be you. So,” Hajime shifted closer to Tooru and reached for his left hand, “I’m gonna ask you again. Will you marry me?”

Tooru looked down at him and the moment his rare soft smile broke out, Hajime already knew the answer. “I told you already, stupid, I do.”


	3. Chapter 3

Couple weeks after the wedding, which had been held soon after they had both graduated, they moved in together. Like the engagement ring, their first home hadn’t been much, either – a one-bedroom apartment with a small balcony – but it had been theirs. Hajime had landed a full-time job as a secretary/assistant at one of the local companies, and Tooru had been accepted as an intern/part-timer at a massage salon downtown. He had gotten lucky because the shop owner, now retired, was a former massage therapist of Japan’s Olympics team. According to Tooru, most of his classmates would have killed to get a mentor of that caliper. 

Tooru’s father had offered to put down the deposit for the apartment, but Hajime had firmly refused. The less they had a say in their life together, the more peacefully Hajime could sleep his nights. 

“That’s it, I think that was the last box,” Hajime huffed and collapsed on the couch in the middle of the living room. His throat was parched, and the shirt clung to his sweaty skin uncomfortably, but he needed to get off his feet before anything else. “How many books can one person own?!”

Tooru flopped down next to him, and Hajime got a waft of his sweat. “Oh, that wasn’t even the half of it. I gave most of them to Watachi and I doubt his girlfriend’s appreciation will be as overflowing as his.”

“It was plenty enough to carry. What kinda building doesn’t have an elevator?” Hajime tried to cool himself by flapping the front of his shirt. 

“The cheap kind.”

Completely exhausted they laid there boneless and stared at the opposite empty wall and listened to their next-door neighbor rattling around. Hajime’s limbs and eyelids got heavier by the minute, and he allowed himself to momentarily rest his weary eyes which were itchy for being in the sun and dust all day. Just for a little while, he told himself. We still have to unpack the essentials. Take a shower. I wonder where we put the towels…And the sheets…

“Hajime?”

“Mmm.”

“I’ve been thinking…”

“For the last time, we’re not gonna try those fengshui books.” Hajime was sure Tooru’s mother had given them as a housewarming gift just to irk him. If nothing else, then for some extra weight to haul up the stairs. 

“We totally are, but that’s not it. I was thinking what if…” Tooru trailed off, and Hajime battled his eyelids open. 

“What?” he prompted when Tooru stayed quiet. 

“What if I went off the pills?” 

Hajime’s muscles complained when he rose up from his slouch. “You mean..?”

“Yeah.”

“We’re talking about birth control, right? Those pills?”

“Yes.” Tooru was bravely keeping his chin up and met Hajime’s stare but his fingers were restlessly plucking off the lint that covered the old couch. “What do you think? We might as well, right? I mean, we have two incomes, well, one and a half, but still. We have our own roof and four walls. We could finally start our life together.”

Hajime kneaded the back of his neck. “That’s not really what I’m worried about. I mean, sure, but what about – you know?”

“Well, we have never actually tried, right? And the situation might have gotten better, who knows.”

“I doubt it’s one of those things that improve with age, though.”

Tooru propped himself up properly by folding his legs under himself. He leaned closer as if going through a gameplay, and Hajime automatically huddled closer, too. 

“I actually looked into this, did some research, and there’s a doctor in the city who has specialized in fertility treatments. If it seems we won’t get lucky the old-fashioned way, then we could book an appointment.”

“I don’t know…”

“Okay. Well, what if we went to see her to just test ourselves? No decisions, yet, but to know better where we stand and figure out the options?”

A front door clanked in the staircase, and a dog began to bark couple rooms down. Hajime sighed and rubbed his eyes. 

“Where is this coming from all of a sudden?”

“I’ve never said I didn’t want kids. Having them just might be difficult. I honestly thought you’d be more excited about this.”

“I am, I am! But I’m just trying to figure out what prompted this.”

“Actually, you.”

“I’m not following.”

“Remember your big speech about promises when you proposed?”

Hajime shifted embarrassed. He had meant every word but talking about it was a bit… “Yeah.”

Tooru edged closer until his knees bumped against Hajime’s thigh and took Hajime’s hand between his own and massaged the back of the hand gently with his thumbs. The touch was warm and dry. 

“I want to start this new chapter with you that ties us even tighter together. Because you’re it, remember? And it will always be you.”

“You don’t have to prove anything to me. We don’t have to have kids just for that.”

“Of course not. I want us to have kids because I love you and I want to have a family with you. What’s so wrong about that?”

Hajime studied Tooru’s face carefully. “Are you sure? Really sure?”

“Yes.” Tooru squeezed Hajime’s hand in emphasis. 

Hajime’s eyes started to sting – must have been the dust – and his face split into a beaming smile. “We’re gonna be dads,” he said somewhere between awe, disbelief, and excitement before he captured Tooru’s face between his hands and gave him a big smooch. 

Tooru smiled against his lips and wrapped his arms behind Hajime’s neck. Soon the kiss deepened, and their tongues licked and stroked each other. Hajime could still taste a trace of the curry in Tooru’s mouth from when they had had burgers for a quick lunch. Tooru’s hand slid under the hem of Hajime’s shirt and caressed his side. Without breaking the kiss, he climbed to straddle him and rubbed their groins together. 

Hajime uttered a small sound of protest in the back of his throat and nudged some distance between them for a timeout. “Wait, wait, you wanna go _now_?”

“There’s no time like the present, right? It wouldn’t hurt to get our form in shape.” His hips rolled suggestively. 

“But I’m all sweaty and dirty. Let’s at least take a shower first.”

“I don’t mind. I like to smell you.”

“Not like this, you don’t. Come on.” Hajime gave Tooru’s ass a little slap and pushed him off. 

They started to make themselves at home by figuring out the dimensions of their new bathtub.


	4. Chapter 4

The next couple months Tooru had immersed himself in the fertility literature. He had spent most of his free time reading all the studies conducted in the past years and joined different groups and gotten to know other couples with difficulties to conceive via social media. Right from the start, he had emptied their fridge from all the foods that could lower their chances which had restricted their menus considerably. Next, a small calendar had appeared on the fridge door, and Tooru had marked his ovulation dates on it with small hearts.

Oh, and another thing…

“Are you close?” Tooru said out of breath. He was riding Hajime, had him buried deep inside, and the heels of his hands dug into Hajime’s chest for support. “Don’t come yet. Let’s change positions.”

Before Hajime could protest Tooru dismounted him and settled on his back. Hajime grunted in frustration – he actually had been close – and rolled over on top of Tooru and slipped himself in. The sweet hot velvety surrounded him again, and he began to thrust. Tooru hooked his legs around his waist and met the pushes in near sync.

It didn’t take long before Hajime was on the edge again, and his hips moved deeper, faster, more erratic. Tooru’s panting and little moans right next to his ear filled his mind. The nails scratching his back made the pleasure all the more sweeter.

He tried to brace his legs for more leverage, but the sheets were slippery under his knees. A drop of sweat ran down the back of his thigh.

Just a bit more.

One of Tooru’s hands traveled up to the back of Hajime’s head and tucked the hair there tightly.

Almost there.

Hajime’s wrists were starting to ache for supporting his weight, and he dropped down to his elbows. He buried his face in the hollow of Tooru’s neck and inhaled the rich, nuanced meadow scent. He could almost feel the high grass brushing against his hands and crushing under his bare feet. 

Couple more pumps and – 

Ah, there it was.

The wave of pleasure drew his body in an arch, and Hajime released himself with a deep moan that he bit out on the soft part of Tooru’s shoulder. Muscles convulsed and twitched deep in his guts as sperm pulsated out in little squirts.

Tooru slipped a hand between them, and after a few fast jerks he, too, came undone. His ass cramped around Hajime and massaged the over-sensitive nerves. On a reflex, he pulled back, but Tooru tightened his hold around his waist.

“No, no, you gotta stay inside for a while. It’ll come out otherwise.”

“How long is a while? My dick’s on fire.”

“Small sacrifices.” Tooru teased and wiggled his ass. Hajime’s whole body twitched, and he groaned. As a payback, he sunk his teeth in Tooru’s neck and sucked until there was a red mark on the pale skin. Tooru’s whole body shuddered and he tried to push him off by the shoulders.

“Didn’t you have dinner already? Geez, now I’m gonna have a hickey at work,” he said disgruntled.

“Well, I’m not allowed to eat anything these days, so it couldn’t be helped.”

Hajime was trying to keep most of his weight off Tooru, but his arms began to tremble as the orgasm let the strength out of him like air from a balloon. “I gotta roll off or I’m gonna crush you.”

“You can lay down, I don’t mind.”

“You sure?”

Tooru rolled his eyes. “I’m not made of china, you know. The pressure actually feels kinda nice.”

Carefully Hajime let himself relax and positioned on top of Tooru as comfortably as possible. It did feel pretty good. He listened to Tooru’s steady breathing, and the pressure made him feel the faint echo of his own heartbeat. Tooru’s fingers gently ran up and down his back, and it stung a little whenever they brushed the scratches from his nails. The post-coital bliss was always accompanied with mild aches and burns which reminded them what an ordeal they had just put their bodies through in their frenzy.

“Okay, you’re getting heavy, now,” Tooru said and tapped on Hajime’s shoulder. 

“Shuddap, I don’t wanna move,” Hajime mumbled half-asleep already.

“Come on, you hulk, get up. It’s getting hot.”

“There’s just no pleasing you, is there?” Hajime pulled himself out and rolled off where the sheets were cool.

“If that’s what you wanna do, there’s an ice cream tub in the freezer.”

“Go get it yourself, I’ve given all I’ve got tonight.”

“I can’t, I have to,” Tooru fumbled for his phone on the nightstand and checked the clock, “stay put for the next 10 minutes at least to make sure it doesn’t come out.”

For a moment Hajime thought of asking how precise the schedule for their lovemaking was but quickly decided otherwise. Instead, he heaved himself up with a deep sigh and walked to the kitchen stark naked. When he came back to the bedroom with the ice cream and two spoons he found Tooru still on his back, but his legs propped high against the wall.

“What on earth are you doing?”

“Gravity. I read this tip somewhere.”

“Does that really help?”

Tooru shrugged and hogged the ice cream from Hajime. “Dunno, but it doesn’t hurt to try.” He carved off a curved strip of frozen ice cream and sucked on the spoon while savoring the vanilla melting on his tongue. “I wish we had some caramel to go with this.”

“Isn’t sugar supposed to be bad for you? Why isn’t that on the long list of banned-everything?”

Tooru looked at him with mock-horror. “Never!” he said around the next, bigger chunk of frozen ice cream.

Soon the tub started to sweat in Tooru’s embrace, and Hajime scooped some of the softer parts around the rim. 

“Will you still love me when I get all fat and swollen?”

“I’m more worried about the mood swings. I don’t need you to be any more high maintenance than you already are.”

“You!” Tooru aimed at him with his spoon, but Hajime ducked it easily and nailed Tooru’s offensive hand to the mattress, so he could lean in for a kiss. Tooru’s mouth was cold and tasted like vanilla. Hajime didn’t have much of a sweet tooth but he could have licked that mouth like a cone on a hot summer day.

“Have you thought of any names?” Tooru continued. 

“Isn’t that kind of premature?”

“I like Hiyori if it’s a girl. Or Kaoru. Or Makoto if it’s a boy. Or Minoru.”

Thinking that far ahead when they hadn’t even gotten through the first step made Hajime uneasy. He didn’t want to jinx it. Thankfully, the alarm of the phone went off and interrupted Tooru’s daydreaming before he could plan any further.

“I’m gonna take a shower and look over some papers for work tomorrow,” Hajime said and pushed himself off the bed, but Tooru caught his arm.

“Whoa, whoa, let’s go one more time.”

“What? So soon?”

“You can go again already, right? I gave you a few minutes to recover.”

“Yeah, but – “

“Come on, we only have a couple days’ window so we gotta make the most of it. Let’s try another position I read about!”


	5. Chapter 5

After not getting pregnant the old-fashioned way in three months’ time they had decided to make the appointment with the fertility doctor. Hajime would have liked to keep trying, but each passing heat cycle without succeeding seemed to bring Tooru down and it got harder and harder to pick his spirits up. 

The doctor, Sasaki-sensei, had an office downtown near Hajime’s workplace. She was an older woman with a heavy bun, glasses dangling in a string made of beads around her neck, and piercing, small eyes. Her confident character and the way she carried herself seemed intimidating at first, but soon Hajime realized it was all due to her decades’ worth of experience and expertise. Before their appointment, she had pulled both of their medical records and had them fill questionaries regarding their family histories. 

“So, I noticed you have quite an interesting family background,” she said to Hajime. “Two omega mothers and an alpha donator. You don’t come across that many sperm donation cases. Do you know the alpha or..?”

“No, they used an anonymous donor from a bank.”

“I see. Have you ever tried to track them?”

“No, there’s been no need.”

“As I said, these cases are very rare because the system is largely based on relationships with alphas. The norm. Alternative ways to impregnate have never quite taken in the society. Now, you, on the other hand,” she continued and turned to look at Tooru with a more serious face, “I went over your files, too, and sadly I have read too many cases such as yours.” 

She flipped the beige folder open and scanned the first couple pages of the quite thick stack. Hajime noticed some of the documents were so old they had begun to turn yellow and they smelled like an archive. 

“It says here that you underwent a series of fertility treatments in your early puberty?” Her piercing eyes looked at Tooru over her glasses. 

Tooru shifted in his seat and crossed his arms. “Yeah. They tried to find out what caused the low hormone levels but couldn’t find anything decisive.”

“I imagine they couldn’t. Those kinds of examinations and so-called treatments have been deemed ineffective and unnecessarily invasive for years now.” She took another look at the papers and frowned. “I recognized many doctors here that I know still swear by those methods even though they’re severely outdated.”

“Excuse me, but what kind of treatments are we talking about?” Hajime glanced at Tooru out of the corner of his eyes and leaned closer to her desk. 

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” Tooru said and waved him off. “Just some tests they ran when I was younger.”

Hajime had a bad feeling about what kind of tests Tooru had been put through but didn’t want to push him in front of her. Later, he had asked again but Tooru had shrugged him off and changed the subject adamantly. 

After giving Tooru a thorough physical examination and going over their test results she told them Tooru’s fertility was indeed low. His cycle was normal and there was nothing wrong with his anatomy and health in general, but for some reason, his body didn’t release the eggs normally. Hajime’s sperm quality, on the other hand, was above average. It had an excellent mobility and the count was good, too. 

“So, what do you think our chances are?” Hajime finally asked and took a hold of Tooru’s hand which was restlessly tapping against the armrest. “Do you think he could get pregnant?”

“I admit the situation could be better. Conceiving could be difficult but not impossible. The odds are against you, but I’ve seen surprisingly good results with the treatment plan I’m about to propose. So, there’s absolutely no reason to give up and start considering alternatives.”

The plan she had drawn up was to stimulate Tooru’s ovulation with hormone injections and keep having intercourse according to the cycle. If they couldn’t achieve pregnancy that way, they would combine the injections with artificial insemination. Hajime had never realized how cold and clinical words like “intercourse” and “insemination” made sex sound like. 

Sasaki-sensei calculated the schedule for the injections and demonstrated how to admit them. Tooru took one look at the needle and recruited Hajime as the designated nurse. Despite being a healthcare provider, he couldn’t apparently inject himself. Sasaki-sensei made Hajime practice with saline, and even though the instructions were good it still looked like it hurt and Hajime almost wanted to call the whole thing off. 

But if Tooru was willing to endure it, so was he. 

Couple months later that commitment was put to a yet another test when one night Hajime came back from work. He had worked overtime despite knowing it was an ovulation night but according to his plan, he’d still make it in time. Unfortunately, there had been a power cut and the trains had been stationary for almost two hours. And his phone had run out of battery. By the time he had gotten home Tooru had come to meet him in the genkan, livid. 

“Where the hell have you been? I told you we have to do it tonight because you’re going away tomorrow.”

“There was a blackout and the trains were late. And I told you I’d have to take some extra hours, the treatments aren’t exactly cheap, you know.”

Hajime toed off his shoes and loosened his tie. A coming headache had been fraying his nerves all the way from work, and he wanted to just take a hot shower and go to bed. His train for the overnight business trip would leave early in the morning. 

“Can’t we do this when I get back? I’m honestly beat.”

Tooru’s lips pursed and eyes narrowed into slits. “Oh, I’m sorry this is inconveniencing you, but it’s not like we can choose the moment for this. I’m ovulating, so it’s time.”

Hajime clenched his jaw. “Fine. Can I at least take a piss before?”

The bathroom door slammed shut with more force than he had intended, but he couldn’t find the energy to care. He opened the faucet on full and scooped ice-cold water to soothe his burning face. He leaned his dripping forehead against the bathroom mirror and listened to the rush of the running water. 

Come on, no one said it’d be easy. This is what you want, right? You have been through too much to give up now. Do it for him. Fight! 

To exorcise fatigue and self-doubt he slapped his wet cheeks and took a deep breath. 

You can do this. 

In the bedroom Tooru was already waiting for him, his lower half stripped and the hormone injection in his hand. So much for the mood. Hajime took the syringe and proceeded with their current foreplay. Tooru flinched when the cold alcohol swipe brushed his buttock and tensed up. The needle pricked the skin, and his knuckles turned white when Hajime slowly pushed the piston all the way down. 

“All done now,” Hajime said and tried to rub muscle a little. Tooru released his breath and gingerly sat up on the bed. 

Hajime disposed the needle and stroked Tooru’s hair. “Has it gotten any easier?”

“Not really. The needle isn’t that bad, but the stuff stings like a bitch. The whole leg hurts after.”

“What if I’m doing it wrong?”

“It’s normal. I read about it, so don’t worry.” Tooru squirted some sperm-friendly lube on his palm and signed Hajime to take off his pants. “Let’s get to it, then. You have to get up early so…”

Cold, lubed fingers wrapped around Hajime and the hand began to jerk the limp flesh. Hajime closed his eyes and tried to concentrate, to conjure the previous time they had had sex. What it had all felt like. Pressing their naked bodies together, all that accelerating skin contact… _underwent a series of treatments_ …roaming hands stroking and groping… _invasive_ …to grip Tooru’s ass with both hands and coax their groins to rub against each other... _still swear by them_ …

Hajime frowned and tried to push the flashes of Sasaki-sensei’s vague, almost secretive references out of his mind. They made him uneasy, and whenever they had sex – or rather, an intercourse – they crept in the bed with them and distracted him. His imagination painted horrible scenes in his head of what Tooru might be keeping to himself. 

The hand kept stroking, and the lube made squelching sounds. Then it stopped, and Hajime opened his eyes. 

“You getting there?” Tooru looked up at him. 

“Sorry. Could you suck it? Maybe that’ll help.”

To his surprise, Tooru looked a little put off. He didn’t say anything but the little sigh he released while reaching for the package of disposable hand towels spoke volumes. Tooru rubbed the sensitive skin, but the rough paper smeared the gel instead of absorbing it. Hajime knew he was disgusted by the taste of lube and always refused to put even condoms anywhere near his mouth. After scrubbing Hajime clean Tooru wrapped his lips around the still flaccid flesh. 

Hajime closed his eyes again. 

Soft tongue rubbed the underside and pressed the head against the hard roof of the mouth. He was surrounded by hot and wet. The rhythmic stroking was accompanied with light suction, and every now and then Tooru reached to take him deep and his nose brushed Hajime’s pubes. The throat contracted around the head when he swallowed. Hajime brought his hand down to cradle the back of Tooru’s head.

He tried to imagine what it would be like to push Tooru down… _on his back on an examination table_ …on the bed. The legs would spread… _and feet propped on the cold metal racks_ …to let Hajime settle between them, and arms would hook behind his neck and pull him down for a kiss. He would line himself up… _a doctor bent down between his thighs, the clank of metallic instruments_ …and shower Tooru in distractive kisses while he pushed in. His big eyes would roll back in pleasure and… _face twist in grimace_ … 

Hajime tugged Tooru away from his crotch. “I don’t think this is gonna work.”

Tooru wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

Hurriedly and embarrassed Hajime tucked himself back. “Sorry. I guess I’m just not in the mood.”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly in the mood for the shot either but I still got it done.”

“I can’t get it up on demand like some show animal.”

“Oh, please,” Tooru rolled his eyes and got up from the bed to put on some clothes as well, “usually all you need is a sniff and you’re so hard you could hammer nails. What, you’re not interested in fucking me anymore?”

“I’m not interested in this,” Hajime snapped and gestured between them. “ _This_ has become some kinda fucked up breeding show.”

“It didn’t seem to bother you couple months ago. You were more than happy to fulfill your alpha duties then.”

“So, what, I’m not allowed to have a hard time with all this? I’m not allowed get tired of trying my best and not getting any results?”

Tooru froze, and immediately Hajime regretted his words no matter how justified they had been.

“Then maybe you should’ve heeded the no doubt many warnings my mother gave you. No point in wasting your time on a barren omega, right? I’m sure you wish you’d have listened to her then because you’re too decent to walk away anymore. I mean, you gave all those big promises that it doesn’t matter even though of course it matters, and now you’re stuck because you can’t go back on your word. No, you were raised better than that!” 

“Now, wait just a minute!” Hajime pointed his finger at Tooru. “I won’t have those words put in my mouth.”

“But it’s the truth, isn’t it!” Tooru demanded. 

And Hajime hesitated.

Not because he agreed with what Tooru was accusing him of. He didn’t. Nothing could have been further away from the truth. He hesitated – paused for a second – because the way Tooru seemed to be completely convinced of the things that spew out of his mouth. The dismissive way he talked about their relationship, their marriage, took Hajime by surprise. 

It was enough, though. Enough to confirm Tooru’s worst fears. 

“I knew it,” he said with a voice thick with emotion. “I fucking knew it.”

“No, that’s not what I – “ Hajime reached his hand to call a timeout, but Tooru swatted it away. 

“Don’t touch me,” he hissed and wiped his cheek angrily. “Don’t fucking touch me, or I swear to god.” He strode past Hajime to the bed and pulled off the cover and dug out his pillow. With them tucked under his arm, he marched out of the bedroom and slammed the door shut. 

For a moment Hajime was tempted to yank the door open, spin Tooru around roughly by his elbow and demand what the fuck had he ever done so wrong he deserved to be treated like this. That despite always being there for him – supporting and reassuring – it still wasn’t enough. Oh, how he was just itching to run after him and yell all of that at this face. 

But he didn’t. Instead, he just stood there clenching his fists and throwing death glares at the door. Because Tooru had been right about one thing: Hajime did feel trapped but not in the way Tooru thought. He didn’t want to get out his marriage, he wanted to get out this dead-end of a situation they buried themselves in. They both wanted the same thing, but over the last months, it seemed like they had drifted apart to fight their own battles instead of keeping a united front together. Never before had Hajime felt this lonely and powerless.

The rage wasn’t as quick to subside as it had been to flare up, but eventually, he calmed down. Hajime had been raised to control his alpha impulses and be responsible for his actions. So, as hard as it was, he didn’t give in to the urge make Tooru listen to him. At least, he could take some cold comfort in that when he went to bed alone and stared at the ceiling in the darkness. 

The next morning, he had left for his business trip without waking Tooru up. For a while, he had been looking at him sleeping on the sofa. He had been curled up with his neck twisted in a position that looked uncomfortable. The skin around his eyes had been red and irritated. The chocolate brown hair had stuck out in tufts. He hadn’t woken him up, given his forehead a kiss or even stroked his hair. The lock of the front door had clicked softly behind him, and he had wondered was anything even worth it anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

The pouring rain drenched his jacket when the lot of them hurried the short walk from the bar across the street back to their overnight hotel, but Hajime was too drunk to feel the chilling wet. All the sake and beer he had drunk blurred and numbed his senses and kept him warm from the inside.

The night had been loud and boozy. Their meeting with another company had been a success so the seniors had rewarded them by treating the whole team. Everyone had drunk their full share – and then some – and been in an overall festive mood. Despite being a salaryman, Hajime wasn’t a heavy drinker but he, too, had gone all out. Although for slightly different reasons than to celebrate.

And here he stood now, in the middle of the hotel lobby, swaying on feet and wondering why he was breathing so heavily.

Someone appeared next to him, and a hand touched his shoulder. “Iwaizumi-san, are you alright?”

“Mmm.”

“Everyone’s heading to bed. Should I take you to your room? It’s on my way.”

The hand squeezed his shoulder and tried to steady him but irritated in the irrational way only drunken people are, he shrugged it off. His head spun and floated, but he was fine, thank you very much. He just needed to…

“I’m gonna get a drink and clear my head,” he slurred.

“What? Clear your head? With more alcohol?”

Hajime ignored his worried coworker and concentrated on scanning the lobby for the doorway to the cocktail lounge. He knew it was here somewhere, they had been drinking there the other night. Ah, there it was! He recognized the black curtains draping over the entrance and locked it as his hazy target.

“You’re really going?” The voice called after him. “Okay, but don’t pass out at the bar!”

“You’re not my damn mother,” Hajime muttered to himself.

It was your typical hotel cocktail lounge. Dimly lit, decorated with conventional taste, and piano music playing quietly in the background to fill in the lulls in the conversation. Hajime draped his wet jacket over the backrest of the barstool, took a wobbly seat, and ordered a beer. He needed to cut all the sweet sake they had been downing the whole night with something bitter. The bartender – a tall, broad-shouldered guy dressed in black – nodded silently, and a foamy pint appeared in front of Hajime.

Finally, alone, he sighed to himself and rubbed his face. Some peace and quiet.

This was the fourth and last night of his business trip, and all that time Tooru and he hadn’t spoken to each other. The first evening he had thought about calling him, but the hurt had still stung too strong. The day had been long and tiring, not to mention he had hardly slept the night before, so he was sound asleep as soon as his head touched the pillow. The second evening, when it seemed like Tooru was in no particular hurry to call him either, the hurt had festered into spite. Instead of sulking the whole night in his room, he had joined his coworkers for drinks in the lobby bar. 

Someone had invited a couple of women who Hajime suspected to have been hosts to their table.

“Excuse me, mister, is this seat taken?”

What felt like in slow-motion Hajime turned to his left and tried to focus his eyes on whoever was talking to him. It was a petite woman in a little black dress. Even in his drunken state, Hajime instantly took notice of her oval face and big almond-shaped eyes. 

“Uh, no,” he said.

A polite smile tugged her lips. “Would you mind if I intrude you? It’s so lonely over there,” she continued and waved at the opposite end of the bar.

“Uh, huh.” Hajime gathered his posture to make room.

Nimbly the woman mounted the stool and put her black evening bag on the bar. The bracelet on her wrist jingled against the wooden surface. A sickly-sweet scent, like those artificial vanilla perfumes but stronger, hit Hajime’s senses so hard his whole body stiffened up.

Was she…

“Ah, it seems I left my drink behind,” she said and turned to look where she had sat a minute ago. 

“Silly me.”

Hajime tried to keep his mind and eyes on his beer but the longer he felt the woman’s waiting – suggestive – stare burn the side of his head, the harder it was to ignore her obvious hint. A bit annoyed he signed the bartender over.

“Her drink’s on me.”

“A vodka martini with two olives, please.”

The bartender nodded silently again and soon the martini class clinked in front of her. She took a little sip and twisted the barstool around to face Hajime.

“I was afraid you had already left.”

Hajime frowned. “Huh?”

She giggled gracefully and lifted her delicate hand to cover her mouth a little. “Oh, I’m sorry, you must not remember me. We met the other night. You and your friends were having a little party and asked us to join you.” She offered her hand. “Hi, my name is Mika. Nice to meet you. Again.”

After a moment of hesitation, Hajime reached to shake her hand. “Huh,” he continued his reluctant, unintelligent conversation.

“And what’s your name?”

Hajime put the pint down with a sigh. He guessed he just needed to be blunt. “You’re really pretty but I just wanna drink my beer and that’s it.”

“Of course, I understand. You just seemed so troubled. I’ve been told I’m a very good listener.”

“I’m sure you have,” Hajime said under his breath. “But I’m married, so, like I said, thank you but no thank you”

“It’s okay, we don’t have to do anything. You’d be surprised how often people are just looking for someone to talk to.” Hajime must not have looked convinced because she then continued. “Okay, how about this. We forget the names and just talk, no strings attached. No harm in that, right?”

Hajime chuckled humorlessly. “Isn’t this kind of dangerous, though? You know nothing about me.”

“Oh, I’m not here alone.” She nodded towards the obviously well-built bartender who was drying glasses with a cloth a few feet away from them.

“What? He’s your bodyguard or something?”

“Let’s just say he can sort out the troublesome companion if needed. But you don’t need to worry about him. You don’t strike me as the type. So,” she crossed her legs and leaned closer, and her sweet scent fuzzed Hajime’s already hazy thoughts, “what’s on your mind?”

“Nothing.” What was that smell?

“Come on, now. I wouldn’t be very good at what I do if I couldn’t spot the troubled ones. And honestly,” she gave Hajime a knowing look from head to toe, “I’d have to be blind not to notice you. It looks like the whole world is crushing your shoulders. Come on, you can talk to me.”

**~~oOo~~**

There’s a warm weight sitting on his lap. The solid pressure pinned him down and was too heavy to push off. His limbs felt weak and detached.

The only thing that pierced through the thick fog was a strong, earthy smell. Like a lake. Water, mud, fish, and weed. It was stagnant and made his stomach churn.

The last thing he registered before darkness was something slimy pushing into his mouth and swirling around, and he feared the deep pit of the scent will swallow him whole.

**~~oOo~~**

“…me-kun…up”

Something was painfully poking Hajime’s shoulder and disturbed his unconsciousness. He mumbled something incoherent and dug his face deeper into the soft pillow.

Next, he was shaken roughly. “…kun, wake up.” Shake, shake. “You have to wake up. Come on.”

Hajime’s groggy brain registered an unfamiliar female voice, and he startled awake. His body, however, was in no means ready for sudden movements, and a sharp lightning of pain shot through his head and nausea dipped his stomach. Gingerly, Hajime settled down and cracked open his swollen eyes that seemed to be walled up by dried gum.

“Wha – where am I?” he croaked.

“This is my room, you passed out last night. How’s your head?”

With a groan and this time more carefully Hajime sat up again and squinted his eyes in the bright daylight. Just then he noticed the half-naked woman standing in the middle of the room combing her wet hair. It seemed like she had just gotten out of the shower, and Hajime could smell the steam and shampoo. His heart dropped to his stomach, and a fresh wave of nausea washed over him.

“Who the hell are you?”

The woman glanced at him through the waterfall of her black hair while trying to untangle the wet locks. “You don’t remember anything?”

“I remember…” Hajime let his eyes wander around the room. “…I remember we were drinking at the bar and talking. I don’t remember coming to your room.”

“Well, you could barely stay on your feet, so no wonder.” She flicked her hair back and fluffed it with both hands.

Through the veil of the shampoo, Hajime caught a whiff of…what was that, like…the sea or…fish or…His whole body froze when flashes rushed through his head.

“Did we..?” He scanned the room like it could provide him with clues. Anything that could prove his sinking suspicions wrong, a false alarm. 

The woman was adjusting her dress back on in front of the mirror and glanced at Hajime via the reflection. “Not really. You didn’t seem that into it and passed out soon after we got here. It didn’t go further than kissing and unbuttoning your shirt. But I still charged you for the night, though.”

Hajime had been looking down and, apart from his shoes, he was indeed fully clothed, but his head snapped up at the last comment. “What? Charged me?”

“Come on, you couldn’t have been that drunk. I told you, this is my job.”

“You’re a..?”

“Yes.”

Hajime sunk his head into his hands. Realization crushed his shoulders and tightened around his throat. “Fuck.”

Heels clacked on the floor when she collected her things around the room. Hajime heard a soft puffing, like from a perfume bottle, and there was that vanilla scent again.

He sniffed the air. “What is that smell?”

“This?” The woman showed him a little black rectangle bottle. “It’s synthesized omega fragrance. I use it to cover my own scent. Alphas don’t really have a high demand in this line of work, so if someone smells like an omega and acts like an omega, they’re most probably an omega, right?”

“You’re an alpha?”

“Yeah.”

“I think I smelled you. Last night. And just now.”

“This stuff wears off quite fast.” The bottle disappeared into her little evening bag. She took one last look on the mirror and touched up her bangs. “Well, I’d like to chat but I have to go, I’m already late. The room has to be vacated at noon, so you have,” she glanced at her expensive-looking wristwatch, “less than an hour to get yourself together. I’d start with a shower. I left you my card, so if you’re ever in town, give me a call. Maybe we’ll actually get somewhere. Ta!”

The heavy door clunked shut, and Hajime was left sitting in the middle of the messy sheets. For a while, he just stared at nothing but flinched back into reality when his phone chimed. He fumbled for his jacket on the floor and dug out the phone. 

There was an embarrassingly long list of missed calls and messages from his coworkers. They had planned to have breakfast together and then head to the train station. Shit, even his boss had called him a few times. 

He scrolled to the bottom of the calls and froze. There was one message and a missed call from Tooru. He had tried to call him in the small hours and sent a message after. Hajime’s heart sped up. Blood pressure swooshing in his ears and mouth suddenly dry, he opened the message.

_03:29 I took three tests today and they’re all positive. I think I’m pregnant._


	7. Chapter 7

It had been a week since the news of their happy family occasion. A week since Hajime’s business trip. 

He had come home late, but Tooru had been waiting for him at the station. As soon as he had spotted Hajime in the crowd he had jumped to embrace him and mumbled his apologies in the crook of his neck over and over again. On the way home, he had told Hajime how terrible he had felt about the fight and how he couldn’t have believed the positive pregnancy tests and had finally had to bother their neighbor to confirm he wasn’t seeing things. Tooru had giggled a little at that. 

It was the first time in months Hajime had seen him so happy. Tired but happy. He had told about the baby to everyone, even to his parents even though Hajime had been reluctant because the pregnancy was in such early stages. He had listened to the phone call with one ear, and for once it sounded like Hajime wouldn’t have to spend the following days picking up the pieces of Tooru’s self-worth that his mother had yet again managed to shatter. 

To Hajime the week had been torture. Every apology, every smile, and every touch burned until _guilty_ was branded all over him. He was restless and constantly on edge. Pretending that everything was fine was exhausting, and he had started to avoid home. Late nights at work, sleeping at the office. 

_00:46 Can’t you take a taxi home?_  
_00:46 I have to get up early tomorrow so I might as well stay here_  
_00:51 I think we should talk. Please come home_

The dream of having a family with the love of his life had turned into a nightmare and it was all his fault. 

“Excuse me, sir?”

Hajime flinched awake from his thoughts. One of the officers stood in front of him and looked at him with mild politeness. The train had left long ago, and the platform was empty apart from a couple of officers. How long had been sitting here? 

“Sir, we’re closing the platform for the night and have to ask you to leave. The station will stay open for an hour still if you need to wait.”

“Ah, I’m so sorry, I must have been lost in my thoughts. I’ll leave right away.” Hajime hurried to pick up his suitcase. Blood rushed from his head when he quickly stood up and made him a bit dizzy for a second. 

“It’s quite alright, sir. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Thank you and good night.”

“You, too, sir.” The officer nodded to him and watched as Hajime left the boarding area. 

Outside the late May night was still warm, but Hajime could smell the upcoming heavy rain in the air. The sky was clear, but a front of dark clouds loomed in the horizon. People sat scattered all over the station square to enjoy each other’s company and the soft rays of the evening sun. 

_01:26 I’m on my way_

Hajime pressed send and walked to the curb to hail himself a taxi. 

**~~oOo~~**

At home, he was greeted by the quiet sounds of television and fading wafts of dinner cooked not long ago. Slowly he toed off his shoes, hung up his jacket, and loosed his tie like on so many nights before. 

On the ride home, he had reached his decision, finally made up his mind about what to do. He couldn’t go on like this. No matter what, he owned the truth to Tooru, to his parents, and to his unborn child. Even though the nervousness twisted his guts, an odd calmness settled on his shoulders. After taking a deep, steadying breath he entered the living room. 

“Hey, welcome home,” Tooru said quietly to him from the couch. He was kneading his temples and watching a late night rerun of some old movie. The volume was on low, and Hajime had a feeling he hadn’t been concentrating on the movie that much. 

“Hey,” he replied and pressed a kiss on top of Tooru’s head. “Sorry, I’m late.”

Tooru leaned into this touch. “There’s some dinner in the fridge.” 

“Thanks, but I’m not hungry.” 

Hajime took a seat next to Tooru. He noticed he was wearing one of Hajime’s favorite hoodies. 

“What ya watching?” 

Tooru glanced at the movie like seeing it for the first time. “I don’t know. I just needed some noise in the background.”

“Are you okay?”

With a deep sigh, Tooru rubbed his face and brushed his fringe aside. “Where have you been?”

Hajime frowned in confusion. “At the office.”

“No, I mean, where have you been this whole week? It feels like I haven’t seen you in days like you’re avoiding me or something. Are you still mad at me?”

Of course, he should have known Tooru would pick up on his mood. He wasn’t an idiot and knew Hajime better than probably anyone else.

“No, I’m not mad at you.”

“Then what is it? I’ve been trying to rack my brains every time you text me that you can’t come home and that’s the only reason I can come up with. That you’re still upset. And I’m so sorry for what I said, I really am. I was just – “ 

“No, you don’t have to…It’s not that.” 

“Then are you nervous about the baby? I guess that’s understandable, we’re both new at this. I’m kinda scared, too. If you want to we could schedule a new meeting with Sasaki-sensei. Maybe she could recommend someone we could talk to.”

“No, I’m not scared. I mean, a little, but…” Hajime shifted in his seat and fiddled with his wedding ring. Tooru had turned to face him but he couldn’t meet his inquisitive gaze. “…it’s not that.”

“Then _what_?”

“Something happened, while I was away,” Hajime began hesitantly. “On that business trip.”

“Okay..?” 

“I…I fucked up. Really bad.” Hajime tried to fight the shake in his voice and the prickle in his eyes.

“Come on now. I’m sure it couldn’t have been that bad.” Tooru touched his shoulder, and it broke Hajime’s heart how almost relieved he sounded. “What happened?”

Hajime wanted to close his eyes and never open them again. I’m so sorry.

“I kissed someone. I went to her hotel room and kissed her.”

The silence that settled between them crushed Hajime and weighted his head down. Tooru’s hand slipped off his shoulder. 

“What do you mean you kis – Who?”

“I didn’t know her. I think she worked as a host at the hotel.”

Tooru straightened himself up to sit on the edge of the couch. “Wait. What happened? Exactly.” 

“I got really drunk that night, like really drunk, and when the others went to bed, I wanted to get one more drink at the hotel bar. And there she came up to me, asked me to buy her a drink and wanted to know why I – well, anyway. I guess we got to talking and I remember…” Hajime swallowed around the lump in his throat. The action movie offered a bizarre soundtrack to his quiet confession. “I remember we were kissing. Or I think we were, I was too drunk to know for sure what happened. The next morning – “ 

Tooru sprung up from the couch and stood a few feet away from Hajime. His eyes were closed, brows knotted like he was in pain, and his fingers were pressed against his tightly shut lips.

“Tooru?” Hajime reached for his hand worried but Tooru shook his head and pulled himself away. 

“Nuh-huh.” Tooru took deep breaths through his nose. “Then what?” he managed to squeeze through between pursed lips. 

“The next morning, I woke up in her room, in her bed, and she told me we had made out, but I had passed out before…we could get further than…that.”

“I’m gonna throw up,” Tooru mumbled and hurried to the bathroom while covering his mouth. 

Hajime’s legs weighted like lead when he followed Tooru down the hall. Not daring to touch, all he could do was to watch as he opened the bathroom faucet on full and bent down to scoop cold water to his face. For a while, Tooru just stood there leaning against the sink, his eyes closed and water dripping down his neck to soak the hoodie. 

Emptiness filled Hajime. It felt like he was floating in mid-air and observing everything like an outsider. This wasn’t his life, this was happening to someone else entirely. All he needed to do to leave and never think about these people again was to snap his fingers. He could sigh in relief and go back to his own life. Thank god, that wasn’t me. 

“I guess I should’ve seen this coming,” Tooru said quietly. “And to think I was actually – I should’ve known right away. But I never wanted to believe – “ His voice broke a little. “That you, out of all people…”

Hajime just stood there paralyzed and stared at nothing. His head was mush, he couldn’t grab on any clear thought. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. His tongue felt like a chunk of dead meat in his mouth. “Tooru, I’m so sorry.”

“So, how was it? Did she get you hard? I bet she did. I bet your dick was over the moon for a new piece of ass. I get it, it gets tiring to fuck the same omega year after year. Especially when he can’t even get you up anymore.”

“It wasn’t like that. You know I’m not like that.”

“I’m not sure _what_ you’re like anymore.”

“It wasn’t like I wanted to touch her, I was drunk and she – “ 

“Oh, that old excuse!” Tooru chuckled humorlessly. “Well, you were drunk so I guess it’s okay then.”

“That’s not what I meant. I wasn’t thinking straight, and the booze and her scent – “ 

Tooru glared at Hajime. “Don’t talk to me about her scent. I don’t wanna know. It doesn’t matter.”

“But you’re not letting me explain!” Hajime exclaimed and spread his arms. “How am I supposed to make you understand if you’re not even giving me a chance?” 

“Then, please enlighten me! Make me understand!” 

“Well, the past few months haven’t exactly been a picnic, you know. Have you ever considered how I’ve been feeling lately?”

Tooru’s eyes stared at him full of hellfire. “So, you’re saying this is my fault?!”

“No, you’re not listening to me, that’s not – “

“You wanna talk about the past few months? Yeah, let’s do that.” He started to count on his fingers. “I read everything I could find on how to improve our chances, made a schedule for everything, let a complete stranger dig into my medical history, submitted myself to a series of humiliating physical examinations, and bent down for your dick and those fucking injections on the dot. But yeah, you’re right, I guess I wasn’t really thinking about how you were doing. I guess it still wasn’t enough.”

Hajime was in a limbo between heating anger and nauseating guilt. He felt like Tooru wasn’t being fair and refused to even try and see his side of the story, but at the same, listening to the list of things he had been put through – what Hajime had put him through – made him sick to his stomach. 

“I never asked you to do anything against your will. I tried to make sure, multiple times, that you really wanted this, that – “ 

“This isn’t about not wanting it. I did want to make a family with you, I went through all that shit because I wanted to. But the difference between you and me is, I didn’t go dipping my dick in strangers when the going got tough.”

And there was the truth Hajime couldn’t argue with. All the pressure and expectations he had been under lately, maybe those were really just excuses, and he was really the kind of person, the kind of alpha, Tooru said. An unreliable cheater who fled at the first sight of trouble and blamed everyone else for his actions. 

“I’m sorry,” he said again, but Tooru ignored him and brushed past him to the bedroom and slammed the door shut. 

The next morning Hajime went to work wearing the same clothes as yesterday. The bedroom door had remained closed through the night, and he hadn’t dared to disturb it. The few pitiful hours before the alarm went off he had spent sitting in the dark living room and trying to puzzle the pieces of his life back together. Will Tooru ever forgive him or will he leave him for good? What about the baby? Will he ever meet his son or daughter? Who will help Tooru raise the child? Every new question and scenario filled him with more dread. 

Work and the everyday buzz and hustle of the office offered some sweet distraction, but Hajime could hardly concentrate on anything. He just floated through the documents, meetings, and tasks. It was like he was cut off from the surrounding world. Everything was indifferent, and everyone else kept living their lives like nothing had happened. 

After work, he came back to an empty apartment. When no one answered his calls from the front door the realization hit him, and he felt like crumbling to the floor. All will to fight fled and was replaced with despair. 

He found a note stuck to the fridge door written in Tooru’s handwriting. 

_I need time to think and clear my head but I can’t do it here. I went to my parent’s. Don’t call me, I let you know when I know what to do.  
-Tooru_

For a while, Hajime stared at the note and tried to decode even a little hint that maybe Tooru would forgive him. Maybe there was some hope. After reading it for the umpteenth time and getting nowhere, the tension finally snapped in him. He grabbed the piece of paper, crumbled it inside his fist, and punched the fridge so hard his knuckles bruised.


	8. Chapter 8

During the next month or so Hajime’s life became a monotonous series of waking up in the morning, brushing his teeth, commuting to work where he shuffled on autopilot, buying convenience food on the way home that he nibbled without much of an appetite, and finally going back to lying awake most of the night until his alarm went off again. Rinse and repeat.

His alpha became more anxious week by week. Nights were the worst when he was left alone in the darkness with his thoughts. He was worried about the baby, and the biological urge, his instincts, to be near his mate tore his insides. To soothe himself Hajime rolled on to sleep on Tooru’s side of the bed. The sheets were one of the few things in their home that still carried Tooru’s scent. 

One evening his phone rang while he was pecking at his dinner of instant noodles and thinking this was finally the call he scrambled for his phone and nearly knocked down the cup of piping hot noodles over his lap. 

It was his mother. 

“Hello?” he answered. His nervousness came out as annoyance. 

“Oh good, you’re still alive,” his mother – _mom_ – said dryly, “now I can tell your mother to calm down.”

With one hand Hajime mopped the broth he had spilled on the coffee table with a wad of cheap napkins. “Sorry, it’s been – I’ve been a bit busy.”

“How are things? Have you talked to Tooru yet?”

“No.”

Her sigh crackled on the line. “We don’t think it’s healthy that you mope by yourself. Come spend couple nights with us.”

“It’s okay. I’m fine.”

“I can hear from your voice you’re not fine. Come on, Hajime, torturing yourself won’t help the situation.”

Hajime swallowed and cleared his throat. She had always been able to poke right where it hurt the most. As long as he could remember, she had been the fiercest protector of their family, up to a point that some people mistook her for an alpha, but she also didn’t have any problem disciplining Hajime and making him own up to his actions. When Hajime had told her about what had happened between him and Tooru, he could have sensed how disappointed she was in him. But she had stuck by his side nevertheless and offered them whatever support she could. 

“Really, I’m fine, you don’t need to worry.”

“Of course we worry, that’s what parents do. Just as a heads-up, you’ll be worrying for the rest of your life. Now,” her tone went from soft to determined, “be a good son and come over before your mother stresses herself to death. Her constant sighing is driving me nuts.”

“But – “ 

“I still have a few things to wrap up at work but I’m expecting to see you later tonight. Am I making myself clear?”

For a moment Hajime was tempted to argue but after taking a quick look around in the empty, silent apartment he caved. “Fine,” he said with a sigh. 

“Good. I let her know you’re coming. See ya!”

The line clicked, and she was gone. Hajime emptied the noodles in the trash and started packing for a sleepover.

**~~oOo~~**

After Hajime had graduated from senior high and went to university, his parents had moved from the hustle and bustle of the big city and bought a house from outside the population center. They both still worked in the city – as a university professor and ER nurse – but they had always wanted to have a small spot of land and a house they could call their own. Unfortunately, this meant commuting an hour to work and back every day, but they didn’t seem to mind. Hajime and Tooru had invited themselves over many weekends and gorged in home cooking and enjoyed the peace and quiet. Every time they had left with the leftovers from the Sunday dinner and bags full of fresh vegetables from their small garden.

The hinge let out a familiar creak when Hajime opened the front gate, and as if on cue his mother, his _ma_ , fled out the front door and strode across the yard to capture him in a tight embrace. Hajime dropped his bag to the ground and wrapped his arms around her slim torso. 

“Oh, Hajime-kun,” she said and cradled the back of his head. 

Hajime was immediately immersed in her familiar scent of sweet, crispy apples and buried his face in the crook of her neck. The body heat and gentle touch suddenly reminded him of how lonely he truly was, and he couldn’t hold back the tears when they pushed through between his eyelids. He released a shaky breath, and she shushed quietly next to his ear and stroked his back. 

“It’s okay, I know.”

Once the first barrier had been breached the tears started to roll down Hajime’s cheeks and left sticky trails behind. Snot blocked his nostrils shut until he could only breath thickly through his mouth. 

“We’re gonna figure it out, okay? You’re home now. Come on now, let me look you.” She pulled back a little and cupped Hajime’s face between her hands. Her palms were dry, warm, and a bit rough from work, they were mother’s hands. With her thumb, she wiped away the freshly spilled tears. “Better?”

Embarrassed Hajime cast his eyes and nodded. “Sorry.”

“Nonsense. I just wish you had come sooner.”

Hajime shrugged and wiped his nose on his sleeve. “I’m sorry.”

“I know, sweetie.” She ran her hand through his hair. “But you don’t need to be. We’ll figure it out. How about we go inside, huh? I was making your favorite for dinner.”

Hajime followed her in and he could barely shrug off his jacket before she tossed an apron at him. 

“Wash your hands and help me with the dinner. The tofu should be ready about now. I’ll make the sauce.”

Hajime tied the apron behind his back and dutifully scrubbed his hands before setting to work. The white soft blocks of tofu had been drying between kitchen towels. While his mother was measuring liquids for the sauce he started to coat the cubes in flour. 

The hot oil sizzled and hissed at him when he carefully laid the cubes on the pan. He remembered always making this dish with ma. When he was 13 years old he had been promoted from coating the tofu to fry it while his mother hovered behind his shoulder like a hawk. 

“I wanted to try wheat flour this time. I read somewhere it’s supposed to give a thicker crust.”

“Sounds good.” Hajime’s appetite gave its first sign of life in weeks when his mouth watered at the thought of crispy crust and creamy inside. 

“Remember to keep an eye on them,” his mother said and reached to check the pan. “If the oil starts to smoke, take the pan off the stove.”

Hajime rolled his eyes. “I think I can be trusted with a frying pan at this age.”

“Well, if you burn the house down we’ll show up at your doorstep,” she said with a grin. 

While the sauce was heating up on the stove she started to chop the spring onions. The sizzle of the oil and the rhythmic chopping created a comfortable background soundtrack. All the smells from different ingredients soon blended in with each other and filled the kitchen with a heavenly aroma. 

“We planted some cabbages for the first time this year. Hopefully, they’ll turn out good. I’m tired of carrying them from the market.” She wiped her knife on the kitchen towel and turned the stove down when the sauce began to simmer. 

Careful not to disturb the coating Hajime turned the tofu with chopsticks. “How’s work?” 

“Same old, same old. Ai hurt her back couple weeks ago, so we’ve been a bit understaffed. Also, the hospital hired a new doctor for the summer. He’s still young and needs a lot of help from his seniors so work tends to pile up. But he’s very friendly, and the patients seem to like him.”

“What about mom?” 

She sighed and rinsed a couple of radishes in the sink. “Oh, you know her. They offered her part-time retirement couple months ago, but she’s convinced the university will fall apart without her. I believe she will die holding her beloved pointer.”

“Imagine mom on retirement, though.”

She dried the radishes and her hands with a towel and started grading them. “You’re right, she would crawl up the walls. Or worse yet, come up with some kind of home project.” A shudder ran through her. “We’ve been thinking of taking a trip to the seaside this summer, and I threaded to drown her in the waves if she brings a single paper that needs grading with her.” 

The tofu was ready, and Hajime stacked a couple cubes for both of them on bowls and poured some of the sauce over them. His mother set the garnishes and took a seat across the table.

“Itadakimasu.”

Hajime picked up a tofu cube with his chopsticks and sunk his teeth in. It was just as good as he remembered. The thicker crust had soaked some of the savory sauce but still had a satisfying crunch before giving in over the soft inside. Suddenly starving he wolfed down the first cube in two big bites. 

His mother glanced at him. “Good?”

All Hajime could do emerged in his food bliss was to nod. 

A comfortable silence settled between them while they ate. The only sounds in the kitchen were the clicks of the bowls and chopsticks. After his third bowl, Hajime set his chopsticks aside and leaned back in his seat. 

“Thank you, that was so good.”

“You want some Oolong-tea?”

“Yeah, sure.”

She got on her feet and picked up a bottle from the fridge. The big plastic container rattled when she poured them tall glasses of drinks. Hajime gulped down the ice-cold tea, and its sweat aftertaste hit all the right spots. 

“So,” she said, and Hajime sensed a careful change in her tone, “have you heard anything from Tooru?”

“No, he hasn’t called yet.”

“Have you tried calling him?”

“Once. His mother picked up.”

She made a face. “Oh dear. I take it, it didn’t go that well?” 

Hajime scoffed and poked his left-over onions in the left-over sauce in his bowl. “What do you think. She hung up on me, or the other way around, I don’t know.” He tried to pick up as many hollow pieces of the onion on his chopstick as he could. “You know she had the nerve to say that they could take care of the baby if and when Tooru doesn’t want to come back. Like I’d ever let that old hag raise my kid. I’d rather die.”

“Hmm.” His mother frowned, and Hajime knew she disagreed with his harsh tone. “Well, she does seem a bit set in her ways.”

“Set in her ways? She’s pure poison. You know the first time I met her – that dinner soon after we started dating – you know what the first thing out of her mouth was when we all sat at the table? ‘I’m surprised a young alpha like you, Hajime-kun, is so interested in our Tooru even though he has so low chances at ever producing offspring’”, Hajime mimicked her tone and accent. “And Tooru sat right there next to her and just stared at his plate. Can you believe it? Like that’s all I’d care about. No way she’ll raise my kid like that.”

His mother hummed again and poured him more tea. “I talked to her for quite a while at the wedding, actually.”

“You did? Why?”

“I don’t know. I spotted her sitting at the table by herself and thought I’d congratulate her, and we just kind of got talking. I think she was a bit tipsy, though.” 

“Most probably,” Hajime muttered but didn’t comment any further after his mother gave him the look. 

“Well, anyway, she did make her values perfectly clear right off the bat when I told her who I was.”

“You should’ve seen her face when I told her I had two omega mothers. She damn near choked on her wine.”

“But,” she continued without paying attention to Hajime’s commentary, “when I didn’t rise to her bait but just sat down and listened to her, I don’t think she was that bad.”

“I don’t care if you need to listen to her. No parent should humiliate their kids like that.”

“Oh, definitely, I agree. But I think a lot of her hostility is due to…,” she paused to search for right words, “you know, being around that kind of parenting and mindset herself when she was a child. Like, did you know she’s a fifth-generation pure-bred omega? That means no one in her lineage has ever mated outside the norm, just alphas with omegas. And when she was 14 – just 14, Hajime, imagine that – her parents shipped her off to Japan for an arranged marriage.”

Hajime shifted in his seat. “Whatever. You can’t make me feel sorry for her.”

“I’m not trying to. I’m just saying. Maybe there’s a reason for the way she acts. And if you see that, you could find some common ground with her. She’s your child’s grandmother, after all, you sure you wanna just cut her off?”

“As far as I’m concerned, she’s made her bed. It’s up to Tooru if he wants to keep in touch, they’re his parents.” 

She fiddled with the tea bottle cork and pursed her lips. “Circumstances matter, Hajime. I think you of all people should know that.”

Hajime fell silent and stared at the table top. He spotted the fading stick figure he had carved on the wooden surface with a knife when he had been nine. It was one of the few times his otherwise gentle and patient ma had scolded him – not only because he could’ve hurt himself, but she had inherited the table from her grandmother and it was one of her few precious belongings – and it felt like he was being told off again.

“But it’s okay. I understand it takes time. Just something for you to think about.” She got to her feet and ruffled his hair before starting to clear the table. “You wanna help me do the dishes before mom comes home? I’ll wash and you dry, just like the old times.”

**~~oOo~~**

Soon after the dinner, Hajime went to bed. Together they cleared a little spot on the floor in the small guestroom that was also used as a storage for mom’s numerous books and folders, and Ma laid out a futon for him.

He was still awake when mom got home but pretended to be asleep when she opened the guestroom door slightly and whispered his name. He wasn’t quite ready to face her yet. While mom was having something to eat they talked quietly in the kitchen, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. At some point, the homemade meal and warm sheets triggered his exhaustion long overdue and he was lulled to sleep by the quiet conversation.

After what felt like he had just closed his eyes Hajime woke up to a full bladder. Groggily he fumbled for his phone in the darkness and nearly pissed his pants when it suddenly started vibrating on mute in his hand. “Tooru,” the screen told him, and it took Hajime’s sleepy brains frustratingly long to figure out which way to swipe to answer. 

“Hello?” he croaked, and his voice sounded too loud in the now silent house. 

“Hajime?” Tooru’s statistic voice ran through his body, and Hajime’s alpha stirred.

Was this finally the call? But why was he calling this late? Maybe something had – 

“Are you okay? Is the baby alright?”

“We’re both fine. I’m sorry for calling this late. You must’ve been in bed already.”

A wave of relief washed over him, and he gulped down the rising panic. “No, it’s fine. I was awake.”

“Still?”

“Well, no I just woke up to – wait a sec, I’ll go outside to talk.”

“Oh, okay.”

Hajime tiptoed out of the room and down the hall. He tried to remember which floorboards creaked the loudest, but it sounded like he hit all of them on his way to the back door. Carefully he clicked the lock open and stepped outside to the backyard. The night air was cool, and warm from under the blankets he shivered in his pajamas. 

“Are you still there?” He lowered himself to sit on the edge of the wooden terrace and buried his bare feet in the grass wet from the cold night dew.

“Yeah, I’m here. Why did you need to go out? Where are you?”

“I’m at my parents’. They asked me to come over for a couple nights.”

“I see.”

Didn’t he believe him? Did he think Hajime was with someone? 

“Ma told me to say congratulations for the baby. She’s excited.”

“Thanks. She’ll be a great grandma.” 

He listened to Tooru’s breathing and battled between asking him has he made up his mind and being afraid to know the answer at the same time. 

“I tried to call you once. I know you asked me not to but…I had to try.”

“I know, mom told me. I’m sorry I left like that behind your back. I just needed time to think.”

Hajime’s stomach turned, and he tried to keep his voice steady. “And? What did you – “ 

“I listed some names for the baby today. I used to like Kaoru the best, but I think Yuki is better. I think it’s a girl even though it’s still too early to tell.”

Hajime squeezed the phone as close to his ear as he could. “I like Yuki.” 

“If it’s a boy you can name it. I know it’s an alpha thing.”

Wait, what? What did he mean by that? 

“You never told me what names you’d like, and…” Hajime heard him sniff and take a shaky breath. “Damn, the hormones. I’m a puking, crying mess these days.” He chuckled in a thick voice. “Like I was saying…You never told me, and I realized that…” Another teary breath. “Hajime, I can’t do this without you. I don’t want to do this without you.”

“Wait.” Hajime stood up when the nerves made it impossible to stay still. “Are you saying…”

“I’m saying I want to forgive you. It’s gonna take a while, but I’m ready to begin.”

“Tooru…”

“When you told me about…All I could think was ‘I must not be very good at making him happy’. I was angry and hurt and disappointed but mostly, deep down, I was…But I see it now. I didn’t want to listen to you then because it was all too much, and – I made some mistakes, too, but I never apologized for them, not really. I’m sorry, Hajime, for losing the sight of you. Can you forgive me?”

“What are you – You don’t need to apologize to me. I was the one who – “ 

“No, I do. Because you’re the kindest and most earnest man I know, and I realized you’d never deliberately hurt me. After clearing my head, I could see the bigger picture better. It still hurts like hell, but…I can see it now.”

Hajime stood in the middle of the night in the garden, now shivering from both the cold and the tension finally being released after weeks of strain. His whole body trembled, and he had to sit down again. 

“Hajime?” 

“Yeah, I’m still here.”

“Do you – what do you think?”

“I think I’m dreaming. Is this for real? Are you really coming home?”

“I want to have this family with you like we planned.” Tooru’s voice was so thick with tears it was almost impossible to understand. “You’re it, remember?”

“Nngh,” Hajime managed. There was a big lump in his throat, but his heart and chest had never felt lighter.


	9. Chapter 9

A loud noise like something was knocked over startled Hajime awake in the middle of the night. His head shot up along with his heart, and he froze to listen to the darkness. More noise, steps, and rustling. Hajime pricked is ears trying to locate the source. It sounded like it came to come from the kitchen.

“Tooru,” he whispered. “Tooru, wake up, there’s s – “ But when he turned to look at Tooru’s side of the bed it was empty. 

What the – Oh. 

Hajime sighed and clicked the bedside lamp on. The light, despite being dim and soft. hurt his eyes. Half-blind and groggy he got up. The floor was cold under his bare feet, and a shiver ran through him. A huge yawn pushed its way through, and he scuffed out of the bedroom. 

The kitchen was full of fluorescent light, and Hajime squinted his eyes. 

“What are ya doin’?” he croaked. 

Tooru, in all his 9-months-pregnant glory, was sitting in front of open fridge his legs spread wide open to give room for his round belly and eating pickled cucumbers straight from the bottle. His cheeks glowed red, and the armpits of his shirt seemed soaked. 

“You okay? I heard a noise.”

The stump of the bottle green cucumber snapped between Tooru’s teeth, and he munched it with crunching sounds. Some of the vinegary pickle juice that he couldn’t slurp ran down his forehand. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. The bottle was so far down in the fridge I couldn’t reach it, so I had to sit down. But then I couldn’t get up again. Figured you’d wake up eventually, and I could cool off in the meantime. Gosh, it’s so _hot_ in here.” He fanned himself with the shirt and reached to lean closer to the cool air radiating from the open fridge.

Hajime sighed and rubbed his face. Another yawn threatened to spill, but he managed to suppress it. 

“You need anything else while you’re down there?”

“Nope, I’m good for now.” Tooru put the pickle jar down between his outstretched legs and rummaged through the fridge before emerging with a bottle of yogurt Hajime had planned to take to work the next day. He tore the lid open and dipped the cucumber stump in the yogurt. Hajime watched between disgust and fascination as he took a bite and hummed in pure culinary bliss. “Oh, this is so good. Wanna try?” 

“No thanks.”

Tooru shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

“What time is it anyway? Did you get any sleep?”

Tooru licked the yogurt off the cucumber and glanced at the contents of the fridge probably planning his next concoction. 

“I got up around one to take a piss. For the hundredth time. But I couldn’t lay down again because of the heartburns. Then, I dunno, I started thinking about pickles. And crackers. And maybe,” he inspected the cucumber in his hand, “wrapping this in cheese and nuking it for a bit. But what I really want, is some coffee. Why can’t this thing get out of me, so I can have some damn coffee, already?!” He glared at his big belly that stretched the normally oversized shirt tight. “You hear me? It’s time to move out!”

Hajime damn near minced his tongue to suppress his chuckles. One time he had smiled at Tooru ranting at this own stomach when he could no longer pull his favorite pants higher than mid-thigh. The next half an hour he had tried to comfort wailing Tooru through the bathroom door. Finally, Tooru had had to admit defeat and put comfort before beauty. 

“Should we try and get up from the floor? Get some sleep? We still have a couple of hours before the alarm.”

Tooru licked the pickle juice and yogurt off his fingers and twisted the cucumber jar shut. 

“Yeah, I need to pee anyway.”

With some scuffling, Tooru scrambled to his knees and braced himself against one of the kitchen chairs. The big belly hung heavy in midair and curved his back. 

“They don’t tell about _this crap_ in all those baby magazines,” he huffed, already a little out of breath. “How about mentioning that you better stay vertical the last month because you’ll need a husband or a forklift to get up, huh?”

Hajime crouched down, put Tooru’s arm around his neck, and took a tight hold of his wrist that hung over his shoulder “Less talking, more pushing,” he said. “Okay, one, two, three.”

Together they managed to haul Tooru up. His legs, however, had gone to sleep a little and they gave up under him, but Hajime caught him just in time. His lower back complained when the very pregnant Tooru leaned against him in a half-slump. 

“Why don’t you take a seat,” he grunted. 

“No, I’m good here,” Tooru mumbled and reached his hands, as far as he could, around Hajime, and buried his face in the crook of Hajime’s neck. “I’m craving your scent.”

The round pregnancy belly was surprisingly hard and dug into Hajime’s middle. “My scent?”

“Uh-huh. You smell like,” he sniffed Hajime’s neck, and it tickled, “like soil you use for a garden, you know. It’s dark and very heavy, kinda moist, but lately, I can’t get enough of it.” He took another deep breath. “I read some people get smell cravings, too. I could literally sniff you whole.”

“Just don’t dip me in yogurt. Do I always smell like that?”

“Not always. I mean, sometimes it’s stronger and kinda overwhelming but sometimes I can hardly smell it.”

“Wait, is that why you’ve been so touchy-feely lately?” Hajime chose not to mention how hard it had been to breath whenever Tooru rolled half on top of him to cuddle. 

“Well, yeah, but I can never get enough because I get so hot because _someone_ – “ he froze mid-sentence. “Uh-oh.”

“What?”

“Either I just peed my pants or my water broke.”

**~~oOo~~**

One the maternity ward’s midwives, the short and buxom one that had almost threatened to chase Hajime out the birthing room if he couldn’t calm down, swung open the door to the family room and turned on the light. 

“Good, no one’s here.” She held the door open for Hajime who was gingerly carrying a tiny bundle in the crook of his arm. “Let’s settle you to spend some quality time with the little one so Tooru can catch up on sleep.”

She signed Hajime to take a seat in one of the rocking chairs and squatted down to instruct him how to hold the baby. 

“First, before anything else, relax your shoulders.” A smile tugged her lips. Hajime lowered his shoulders that had without him noticing crept up to his ears. “If you’re always stiff as a stick you’re gonna get sore muscles. It’s important you’re both comfortable. Now, let me show you. Take your hand and slide it under her back.” She arranged Hajime’s hand in place. The baby’s forehead that looked two sizes too big wrinkled. “And then her head kinda nudged in the crook of your elbow. Always remember to support the head, okay. There,” she pulled back, “this is a very good basic hold when you’re both still getting used to each other. And – hey, what did I tell you about the shoulders?”

Hajime noticed they had tensed up again and let them slump down. “Ah, sorry.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it. All new parents are afraid to touch their babies at first, but that’s why it’s important to start practicing right away. Are you comfortable there?”

“What do I do with my other hand?”

“You can support her butt so your other hand won’t get tired.” She got to her feet. “I’m gonna be in the next room but I’ll come and check on you in a bit.”

She was halfway across the room when Hajime suddenly remembered. “What if she starts crying?”

“Come get me, and I’ll teach you the list of possible things she might mean,” she said with a grin and left them alone. 

For a while, Hajime felt awkward sitting by himself – well, not quite by himself – in the otherwise empty family room. A bit lost he let his eyes wander around but finally settled to monitor the baby. It seemed the safest choice. 

According to the midwives, the birth had been quick considering it was Tooru’s first baby. It hadn’t felt quick for either of them, though. For hours on end, Tooru had endured the contractions. He had paced the room and doubled over and moaned out loud whenever a new wave had hit him. Completely helpless and out of place, Hajime had tried to make him more comfortable by massaging his back and keeping up a steady supply of hot towels but doubted he had been much of help. 

Then it had been over in a matter of minutes. A bunch of people had entered the room and after a quick examination, the doctor had deemed Tooru to be ready. Just like that. With calm and determined instructions he had told Tooru what to do, when to do it, and when to stop doing it, and that’s apparently how you pushed a baby into the world. Soon the first fierce cries of their daughter had pierced through the room. 

The midwife had immediately laid the wailing creature covered in mucus on Tooru’s chest and tucked a blanket over them. Hajime had been showed how to cut the umbilical cord, and afterward, he wondered how he had managed not to accidentally stab anyone with the mean-looking scissors. 

For the next 24 hours and counting, she became his endless source of fascination, until finally, the midwife who had been assigned to them had decided to give Tooru some much-needed rest and start couching Hajime into a new dad. 

Dad, he tasted the word while looking down at his daughter. Hi there, I’m your dad. 

As if on cue, she cracked open her swollen eyes that were almost black because the pupils were so huge, and a shiver went through Hajime’s very core. Her oversized forehead that made her look 100 years old wrinkled again, and her whole face screwed up when she let out a big yawn. 

“Happy birthday, Yuki-chan,” he whispered. “Welcome to the earth.”

**Author's Note:**

> Behind the keyboard: [Tumblr](https://notthatiwilleverwriteit.tumblr.com/) | [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/venni.talvi.31) | IG: @notthatiwilleverwriteit


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